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Friday 30 May 2014
Sunday 25 May 2014
The Pros and Cons of Gay Relationships Compared to Straight Relationships (Yes, there are pros!)
For too long, gays and lesbians have been told that our love is less worthy, that our relationships are less authentic.
That's not true at all. But there ARE differences between gay and lesbian relationships compared to straight relationships. And some are very significant indeed. In this post, we'll talk about some of them.
"Asking who's the 'man' and who's the 'woman' in a gay relationship is like asking which chopstick is the fork."
Gay relationships do not conform to the heteronormative model of a relationship. No one is the 'man' or the 'woman' in the relationship. The relationship is simply two people coming together to form an emotional bond with each other.
That is at once bewildering but also incredibly liberating. Bewildering because living in a homophobic society such as Singapore's, leaving aside the heteronormative model, it is difficult to find many positive role models for durable committed gay relationships.
However, it is also liberating, because gays and lesbians have the freedom to define for themselves what a healthy relationship means, and how the two people in the relationship relate to each other. None of us need to be constrained by what society says is a "proper" relationship.
This freedom to choose how a relationship will be defined is both a gift of our sexual orientation, but also a burden that we must bear.
Healthy gay relationships can be equitable in a way that straight relationships rarely are.
I dance the tango. And one reason why I am drawn to the tango is because queertango , the most modern and progressive interpretation of tango, is a perfect metaphor for gay relationships.
In queertango, unlike the tango which originated in the barrios of male-dominated Argentina, the two partners are not confined to the traditional male and female-gendered roles. No longer is there a “male” role and a “female” role. Instead, one partner “leads” while the other “follows”. Men can dance with men, women can dance with women, and women can lead while men can follow. In addition, partners are free to exchange roles as they wish, even mid-step within the same dance. No one needs to dance only a single role throughout the dance.
In the same way, a gay relationship can be equitable in a way that straight relationships rarely are. Because there are no predefined gender roles, no one person needs to be solely responsible for being the primary breadwinner, or managing the housework, or taking care of the kids, or being the financial gatekeeper, or any one of a hundred things that in a straight relationship would fall to a default gender in the absence of a discussion.
In healthy gay relationships, there is a more equal division of the responsibilities and obligations of the two people in the relationship.
When I bring up this point in conversations with my straight girlfriends, they all unanimously say how they wish their own relationships were like that, marked by mutual respect and equity. This is without doubt, one of the most positive qualities that gay relationships have that straight relationships seldom share.
Two men in a relationship often have to learn how to jointly negotiate intimacy.
From a young age, men are conditioned to be strong, competitive and independent. Unlike women, men are generally not socialized from a young age to negotiate intimacy. Men, gay and straight, tend to lack intimacy skills.
Think about how boys learn early that it is not OK to cry in public, that crying is weak behavior unbecoming of a real man. That proscription against crying that we learn from a young age is reinforced similarly for displays of emotion. The traditional male antipathy for what is merely the display of emotions carries over to the experiencing of the actual emotions themselves. Most men come to maturity without having a complete emotional vocabulary, so to speak.
In straight relationships, there is a whole body of literature discussing how part of the woman’s role in a relationship is to educate her man on the intricacies of navigating their emotions. What does it mean to be sensitive? What does it mean to be vulnerable, to be intimate? How do trust, faith, desire and commitment figure in the warp and weft of the tapestry that is a relationship?
Two men in a relationship face an uphill challenge when it comes to achieving true emotional intimacy. Conflict commonly arises when there is an inability to communicate tender and vulnerable feelings. Gay men in relationships often tend to hold back from commitment for fear of losing power and control.
Because so many of the difficulties of handling emotions for a man are inextricably linked to the (straight) male gender identity, an identity largely defined by societal expectations, the challenge becomes even more complicated if the men in question have not yet defined for themselves the meaning of masculinity, and what being a gay man means for either of them.
The desire for sexual variety outside a committed relationship is often thought of as the biggest challenge that gay male couples face. But the challenges of negotiating intimacy may in fact be more difficult.
Communication is even more important in gay relationships than in straight relationships.
Corollary 1: Healthy gay relationships are characterized by robust communication.
Corollary 2: In a healthy gay relationship, there is more and better sex compared to a straight relationship.
Because of the challenges of negotiating intimacy, the healthiest gay relationships, just like the healthiest straight relationships, tend to be characterized by superior communication.
Getting to the stage of superior communication obviously requires a lot of time, work and patience. But it is well worth the effort, not just within the relationship, but also beneath the sheets.
Popular sex advice columnist and gay activist Dan Savage has argued that gay men have better sex, simply because we communicate better what we enjoy, oftentimes out of complete necessity. As he puts it, two men having sex have to decide if there's going to be penetration, where the penetration happens, who does the penetration...you get the idea. Unlike gay men, straight people seldom have this kind of discussion in detail prior to having sex. That can lead to mismatched expectations.
In the same way, solid communication between partners in a gay relationship extends into the bedroom. Assuming that the partners adhere to the advice that Esther Perel gives on preserving erotic space, sex can continue to be exciting and novel, and yes, there will be more of it and it will be more satisfying than either partner thought possible.
Saturday 17 May 2014
Is Having Sex on a First Date a Good Idea?
When it comes to dating and hook-ups, there's no question that sex is a lot more easily obtainable for gay men than for straight men, even at a first meeting.
So, the question then becomes, is it a good idea to have sex on a first date?
The answer is, like for most questions in life, "it depends".
The really important question to ask before you consider having sex on a first date is whether you consider the guy you're meeting to be a prospective romance.
If after the first date, you don't consider the guy to be a strong romantic prospect, but you still feel physical attraction to him and you're, ahem, horny...having sex with him, assuming he's agreeable, is really not a major issue. I'm not one of those prudish aunty types who will tell you that casual sex is to be frowned upon. In such an instance, your date has morphed into a potential hook-up, and it's only a question of whether you want to proceed all the way or you're just not in the mood. Either way, there are no major consequences (assuming you practice safe sex).
The dilemma arises when the chemistry between you and your date is so strong that both of you feel that the date should culminate in a night of passion.
Some people will say that there's no better way to cap a great date than to end it between the sheets. And indeed, there's nothing quite like instant gratification. However, my advice is to hold off on the sex on the first date.
[I am fully aware that there will be people who will disagree with me, and that's fine too. Advice is just advice, and its utility may be highly situational.]
I've never really bought the whole BS about how having sex on a first date can compromise your development as a couple, and how it may negatively affect commitment from the other guy as your relationship progresses. If the guy is a player or commitment-phobic, that will be a problem no matter whether you sleep with him on a first date or not.
No, the main reason why I advise against having sex on a first date is because it robs the two of you of much greater satisfaction later in the relationship when you do have sex for the first time.
Assuming the two of you enjoy such great chemistry that the first date has a serious shot at progressing to a far more significant relationship, it's a given that the sex will happen. It's only a matter of time. But the benefit of holding off on the first date is that when you do have sex with the guy, the two of you will know each other better, have a higher comfort level with each other, and are more likely to be good, giving and game to each other. Oh, and there will be a lot more cuddling before and after, which many people enjoy just as much as the sex. All that translates into much more satisfying sex the first time.
If you're not convinced, think about the very first time you had sex. Was it good? If you're like most people, the very first time you had sex was most likely NOT good. At least by the standards of what you consider good sex now. And by sex, I mean with someone else, both of you naked, doing the full ensemble of acts and positions. Quickie handjobs and blowjobs do not count.
Most memories of first experiences with sex are marked by self-consciousness, hesitancy conflicting with heavy desire, performance anxiety, and just plain old fumbling with the mechanics of sex.
We all become better at sex with practice, but unless you're the type that has, ahem, a lot of experience, it's not uncommon to have a few miscues or awkward moments when having sex with someone new for the first time. A smooth synchronized performance it usually is not. And even if you are very experienced, the other guy may not be.
So, given the possibility of awkward moments AND the fact that this guy that you feel so strongly attracted to but barely know could be THE ONE, why have sex on a first date when there's just so much more at stake and so much more pressure to have great sex? If the sex doesn't turn out so well, then what? The subpar experience could have been due to purely situational reasons, but one or the two of you might decide to throw in the towel and not proceed further, which might be a great pity.
Why not wait until you get to know each other a little better, then if the awkward self-conscious moments do arise during intimacy, the two of you can laugh over it and be good, giving and game to each other in bed because the two of you are already so comfortable together. The experience will have as much passion as first date sex thanks to the anticipation, but will be much sweeter due to the closer emotional bond.
Of course, I don't advise holding out on sex until the two of you have had many, many dates either. Assessing sexual compatibility is an important consideration too if the relationship is to progress. Having great sex the first time with someone new is really just a matter of the comfort level. It's just that it's highly unlikely that you can achieve an optimal comfort level on a first date.
___
Register with us at http://7for7speeddating.blogspot.sg/p/register-with.html
So, the question then becomes, is it a good idea to have sex on a first date?
The answer is, like for most questions in life, "it depends".
The really important question to ask before you consider having sex on a first date is whether you consider the guy you're meeting to be a prospective romance.
If after the first date, you don't consider the guy to be a strong romantic prospect, but you still feel physical attraction to him and you're, ahem, horny...having sex with him, assuming he's agreeable, is really not a major issue. I'm not one of those prudish aunty types who will tell you that casual sex is to be frowned upon. In such an instance, your date has morphed into a potential hook-up, and it's only a question of whether you want to proceed all the way or you're just not in the mood. Either way, there are no major consequences (assuming you practice safe sex).
The dilemma arises when the chemistry between you and your date is so strong that both of you feel that the date should culminate in a night of passion.
Some people will say that there's no better way to cap a great date than to end it between the sheets. And indeed, there's nothing quite like instant gratification. However, my advice is to hold off on the sex on the first date.
[I am fully aware that there will be people who will disagree with me, and that's fine too. Advice is just advice, and its utility may be highly situational.]
I've never really bought the whole BS about how having sex on a first date can compromise your development as a couple, and how it may negatively affect commitment from the other guy as your relationship progresses. If the guy is a player or commitment-phobic, that will be a problem no matter whether you sleep with him on a first date or not.
No, the main reason why I advise against having sex on a first date is because it robs the two of you of much greater satisfaction later in the relationship when you do have sex for the first time.
Assuming the two of you enjoy such great chemistry that the first date has a serious shot at progressing to a far more significant relationship, it's a given that the sex will happen. It's only a matter of time. But the benefit of holding off on the first date is that when you do have sex with the guy, the two of you will know each other better, have a higher comfort level with each other, and are more likely to be good, giving and game to each other. Oh, and there will be a lot more cuddling before and after, which many people enjoy just as much as the sex. All that translates into much more satisfying sex the first time.
If you're not convinced, think about the very first time you had sex. Was it good? If you're like most people, the very first time you had sex was most likely NOT good. At least by the standards of what you consider good sex now. And by sex, I mean with someone else, both of you naked, doing the full ensemble of acts and positions. Quickie handjobs and blowjobs do not count.
Most memories of first experiences with sex are marked by self-consciousness, hesitancy conflicting with heavy desire, performance anxiety, and just plain old fumbling with the mechanics of sex.
We all become better at sex with practice, but unless you're the type that has, ahem, a lot of experience, it's not uncommon to have a few miscues or awkward moments when having sex with someone new for the first time. A smooth synchronized performance it usually is not. And even if you are very experienced, the other guy may not be.
So, given the possibility of awkward moments AND the fact that this guy that you feel so strongly attracted to but barely know could be THE ONE, why have sex on a first date when there's just so much more at stake and so much more pressure to have great sex? If the sex doesn't turn out so well, then what? The subpar experience could have been due to purely situational reasons, but one or the two of you might decide to throw in the towel and not proceed further, which might be a great pity.
Why not wait until you get to know each other a little better, then if the awkward self-conscious moments do arise during intimacy, the two of you can laugh over it and be good, giving and game to each other in bed because the two of you are already so comfortable together. The experience will have as much passion as first date sex thanks to the anticipation, but will be much sweeter due to the closer emotional bond.
Of course, I don't advise holding out on sex until the two of you have had many, many dates either. Assessing sexual compatibility is an important consideration too if the relationship is to progress. Having great sex the first time with someone new is really just a matter of the comfort level. It's just that it's highly unlikely that you can achieve an optimal comfort level on a first date.
___
Register with us at http://7for7speeddating.blogspot.sg/p/register-with.html
Monday 12 May 2014
7 Steps to Being Relationship Ready
It's hard enough being gay. But dating when you're a gay man is even harder. So, what are some things you can do on your end that make it easier for you to be in a healthy, committed relationship? Here are 7 steps to being relationship ready:
1. You need to be in a healthy relationship with yourself before starting one with someone else.
To be in a healthy relationship, you need to first be comfortable in your own skin. There should not be feelings of guilt or shame for being gay. Instead, there should be a quiet confidence in your own self-worth.
Self-knowledge is the most important kind of knowledge. And for most people, it is not an end state, but a continuing journey. We each of us grow and change with the passage of time, and it's important to love the you that is you.. As Carrie Bradshaw said in Sex and the City, "the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself."
Not everything in your life has to go swimmingly before you start dating seriously, but you should have some idea of how you want your life to unfold. You need not necessarily have any concrete plans per se, but you might want to evaluate your existing relationships with the people important in your life, or your career perhaps, or your values, your priorities, or any combination of the above.
Finally, it is important to retain your identity as an individual even when you are in a relationship. As the sex therapist Esther Perel speaks about in her TED talk, the modern committed relationship is a contradiction; we have to reconcile our fundamental need for security, comfort and permanence from our partners, against the opposite fundamental need for surprise, mystery and novelty. It is only when we retain our identities as individuals that we preserve that erotic space which is so important for sustaining long term committed relationships.
2. You don't necessarily have to come out, but it certainly helps...a lot.
We talked about this previously in another post. Read it here.
3. Step outside your comfort zone.
The confidence that you will gain from setting a challenging goal for yourself, surmounting obstacles and finally achieving what you set out to do will help immeasurably, both in dating and in all other aspects of your life where you must risk something to get something.
Dating and relationships are about putting yourself out there; they are as much about risk-taking as anything because you risk rejection, disappointment and heartbreak when you expose your heart.
Forcing yourself to step outside your comfort zone will challenge preconceptions you had about yourself, allow you to gain new self-knowledge, and bolster your self-confidence. This new-found self-confidence will sustain you when you encounter the inevitable rejections and disappointments that are part and parcel of dating and relationships.
Some examples of how you can step outside your comfort zone and challenge yourself:
4. Invest in yourself.
It is much easier to attract someone worthwhile to be in a relationship with if you yourself are attractive.
Attractiveness is not solely physical. If you don't have the looks, work on your body. If you have neither the looks or the body, rely on your charm, your personality, your wit. The good news is that each of these aspects of attractiveness can be improved.
In general, the male body only looks good when it is muscled. While some guys are blessed with better genetics, it is a biological fact that muscle is the most adaptable of tissues. It is both a curse and a blessing that for a man to look good, he needs to exercise. A curse because there are no gains without effort, a blessing because it is entirely democratic and equitable; everyone has to exercise and one gets rewarded based on exactly what one puts in.
This doesn't mean that every gay man should live at the gym. Neither does getting a good body necessarily entail going to the gym. It does mean eating sensibly, incorporating regular physical activity, such as sports, into your lifestyle, and having reasonable expectations, both of yourself and others.
As for the aspects of attractiveness that are not skin-deep, these can be cultivated as well. Read widely. Think. Develop ideas and opinions. Have a point of view. Learn new skills. Practice the art of good conversation. Be interesting, because that will hold the attention of potential mates long after your looks and body have faded.
5. Prioritize what you're looking for in a relationship.
Part of the process of dating is figuring out what's important to you in a relationship and what are things that are negotiable and just nice-to-haves. The physical aspects are important, but it's not helpful to have impossible standards, especially if you yourself can't meet those standards.
Avoid the checklist mentality. It's not about trying to avoid being picky. Being picky is good. Rather, be picky about the right things.
6. Don't wait for the right guy to appear in front of you. Create opportunities for yourself. Make things happen.
Too many single people, straight or gay, bemoan that there are no good guys/girls out there.
Waiting for something to happen when you "least expect it", relying on serendipity to deliver the guy of your dreams to you...these are not reality-based ideas. In short, simply hoping is not a viable strategy.
If you're going to find someone, you have to put yourself out there. Speed dating, online dating, asking friends for introductions, participating in activities and events, these are all ways to increase your chances of meeting someone worthwhile.
7. Be prepared to work at any relationship you get into.
Relationships are hard work. Don't expect that you and the guy you're dating are an item after just a handful of dates. The two of you will have to put in the hard work of getting to know each other beyond just the initial phase of attraction.
Even if the two of you have established a certain level of comfort with each other, it takes a long time for love and intimacy to develop beyond the initial flush of passion. And that takes commitment, solid communication, compromises, empathy and a shared sense of destiny.
___
Register with us at http://7for7speeddating.blogspot.sg/p/register-with.html
1. You need to be in a healthy relationship with yourself before starting one with someone else.
To be in a healthy relationship, you need to first be comfortable in your own skin. There should not be feelings of guilt or shame for being gay. Instead, there should be a quiet confidence in your own self-worth.
Self-knowledge is the most important kind of knowledge. And for most people, it is not an end state, but a continuing journey. We each of us grow and change with the passage of time, and it's important to love the you that is you.. As Carrie Bradshaw said in Sex and the City, "the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself."
Not everything in your life has to go swimmingly before you start dating seriously, but you should have some idea of how you want your life to unfold. You need not necessarily have any concrete plans per se, but you might want to evaluate your existing relationships with the people important in your life, or your career perhaps, or your values, your priorities, or any combination of the above.
Finally, it is important to retain your identity as an individual even when you are in a relationship. As the sex therapist Esther Perel speaks about in her TED talk, the modern committed relationship is a contradiction; we have to reconcile our fundamental need for security, comfort and permanence from our partners, against the opposite fundamental need for surprise, mystery and novelty. It is only when we retain our identities as individuals that we preserve that erotic space which is so important for sustaining long term committed relationships.
2. You don't necessarily have to come out, but it certainly helps...a lot.
We talked about this previously in another post. Read it here.
3. Step outside your comfort zone.
The confidence that you will gain from setting a challenging goal for yourself, surmounting obstacles and finally achieving what you set out to do will help immeasurably, both in dating and in all other aspects of your life where you must risk something to get something.
Dating and relationships are about putting yourself out there; they are as much about risk-taking as anything because you risk rejection, disappointment and heartbreak when you expose your heart.
Forcing yourself to step outside your comfort zone will challenge preconceptions you had about yourself, allow you to gain new self-knowledge, and bolster your self-confidence. This new-found self-confidence will sustain you when you encounter the inevitable rejections and disappointments that are part and parcel of dating and relationships.
Some examples of how you can step outside your comfort zone and challenge yourself:
- Finish a marathon.
- Take up an extreme sport.
- Volunteer for a community organization.
- Learn a new skill.
- Start a personal project that requires dedication and commitment.
4. Invest in yourself.
It is much easier to attract someone worthwhile to be in a relationship with if you yourself are attractive.
Attractiveness is not solely physical. If you don't have the looks, work on your body. If you have neither the looks or the body, rely on your charm, your personality, your wit. The good news is that each of these aspects of attractiveness can be improved.
In general, the male body only looks good when it is muscled. While some guys are blessed with better genetics, it is a biological fact that muscle is the most adaptable of tissues. It is both a curse and a blessing that for a man to look good, he needs to exercise. A curse because there are no gains without effort, a blessing because it is entirely democratic and equitable; everyone has to exercise and one gets rewarded based on exactly what one puts in.
This doesn't mean that every gay man should live at the gym. Neither does getting a good body necessarily entail going to the gym. It does mean eating sensibly, incorporating regular physical activity, such as sports, into your lifestyle, and having reasonable expectations, both of yourself and others.
As for the aspects of attractiveness that are not skin-deep, these can be cultivated as well. Read widely. Think. Develop ideas and opinions. Have a point of view. Learn new skills. Practice the art of good conversation. Be interesting, because that will hold the attention of potential mates long after your looks and body have faded.
5. Prioritize what you're looking for in a relationship.
Part of the process of dating is figuring out what's important to you in a relationship and what are things that are negotiable and just nice-to-haves. The physical aspects are important, but it's not helpful to have impossible standards, especially if you yourself can't meet those standards.
Avoid the checklist mentality. It's not about trying to avoid being picky. Being picky is good. Rather, be picky about the right things.
6. Don't wait for the right guy to appear in front of you. Create opportunities for yourself. Make things happen.
Too many single people, straight or gay, bemoan that there are no good guys/girls out there.
Waiting for something to happen when you "least expect it", relying on serendipity to deliver the guy of your dreams to you...these are not reality-based ideas. In short, simply hoping is not a viable strategy.
If you're going to find someone, you have to put yourself out there. Speed dating, online dating, asking friends for introductions, participating in activities and events, these are all ways to increase your chances of meeting someone worthwhile.
7. Be prepared to work at any relationship you get into.
Relationships are hard work. Don't expect that you and the guy you're dating are an item after just a handful of dates. The two of you will have to put in the hard work of getting to know each other beyond just the initial phase of attraction.
Even if the two of you have established a certain level of comfort with each other, it takes a long time for love and intimacy to develop beyond the initial flush of passion. And that takes commitment, solid communication, compromises, empathy and a shared sense of destiny.
___
Register with us at http://7for7speeddating.blogspot.sg/p/register-with.html
Sunday 4 May 2014
Can a Guy be Closeted and Still Be in a Successful Relationship?
Short answer: Yes, but the likelihood of success is much lower.
Long answer:
Let's start by defining what it means to be out of the closet. There are varying degrees of being out of the closet. At the risk of oversimplification, the degrees of being out are, in increasing order of "outness":
Where you are at in the stages above matters. Very simply, the further you are along in being out, the more likely it is that you will be in a successful relationship.
Someone who is not even out to himself (stage 1), i.e. he is still in denial or unsure about his orientation; such a person is not in any shape or form ready for a relationship, straight OR gay. Clearly, someone in that situation has deep existential and identity issues that they need to work out before they can embark on a healthy relationship with someone else.
It's not possible to start a relationship without dating first, and dating requires a person to meet other gay people, so by definition, someone who is actively looking for a relationship would be at stage 2. Just about everyone who is reading this post right now would be at stage 2 at least. But there's a big difference between someone who is at stage 4 and someone who is only at stage 2 in terms of how relationship ready they are.
[Stage 5 is irrelevant for most people unless you are a public personality, e.g. the former politician Vincent Wijeysingha.]
"To love at all is to be vulnerable." - C.S. Lewis
The reason why being out matters to the health of your romantic relationships is because being in a relationship is about being emotionally available to your partner, and also being vulnerable to your partner on emotional terms. It is not possible to feel deeply for someone without exposing yourself to being hurt by that person.
It is possible to be in a relationship despite only being at stage 2 above, but the benefit of being further along in being out is that it lends a sense of greater authenticity to all of one's relationships, whether those relationships are with friends, family or colleagues. That greater authenticity in turn makes it easier to open oneself up to intimacy with a partner.
Gay people growing up in a environment hostile to their sexual orientation frequently develop preternatural instincts in shielding themselves from emotional contact with those they are unsure of acceptance from. That includes family and friends. Without being out to one's family for instance, a gay person, on some subconscious or conscious level, might fear that their family's love and concern for them is purely conditional on them being straight and "normal". That fear of being hurt creates emotional distance between the gay person and the people who are closest and most important to him.
If that emotional distance was to be confined to just being between a gay person and the people he was not out to, it would not be such a great problem. But the problem is that the emotional distance oftentimes carries over to all of a gay person's relationships, diminishing the quality of friendships, closeness to family, collegiality at work and yes, emotional intimacy with one's partner.
Someone who is only at stage 2 is more likely to be emotionally guarded and hence less available emotionally to their partner. That makes it harder for a relationship to progress. As Woody Allen once quipped, a relationship is like a shark, it has to constantly move forward or it dies.
Second Order Effects
A second reason why being out helps make a romantic relationship stronger is that it places considerably less stress on a relationship, particularly if between the two people in a relationship, one is further along in being out than the other.
Someone who is not out is constantly censoring his answers to questions like, "How was your weekend?", or finds it impossible to share a large part of his life with other people. He may feel compelled to play the pronoun game, or simply avoid any mention of his personal life at work.
He may also feel uncomfortable appearing too close in public with his partner, or live in fear of being seen with his partner by his family or friends he's not out to. All these "second order" effects can place a budding relationship under considerable stress when the partner who is more out may resent how the less out partner is forcing him into intolerable situations.
Being in a gay relationship is hard enough, what with the lack of positive role models and societal acceptance, and how men in general, gay or straight, are not socialized to negotiate intimacy and emotions from a young age. A closeted man can still be in a successful relationship, but it will certainly be much harder and require more understanding and communication between the two guys in the relationship.
___
Register with us at http://7for7speeddating.blogspot.sg/p/register-with.html
Long answer:
Let's start by defining what it means to be out of the closet. There are varying degrees of being out of the closet. At the risk of oversimplification, the degrees of being out are, in increasing order of "outness":
- Out to yourself;
- Out to other gay people;
- Out to straight friends and other people you take a risk being rejected by, but whom you can ultimately cut out of your life if need be;
- Out to family, colleagues and other people you still have to interact with whether you face rejection or not;
- Out to the general public.
Where you are at in the stages above matters. Very simply, the further you are along in being out, the more likely it is that you will be in a successful relationship.
Someone who is not even out to himself (stage 1), i.e. he is still in denial or unsure about his orientation; such a person is not in any shape or form ready for a relationship, straight OR gay. Clearly, someone in that situation has deep existential and identity issues that they need to work out before they can embark on a healthy relationship with someone else.
It's not possible to start a relationship without dating first, and dating requires a person to meet other gay people, so by definition, someone who is actively looking for a relationship would be at stage 2. Just about everyone who is reading this post right now would be at stage 2 at least. But there's a big difference between someone who is at stage 4 and someone who is only at stage 2 in terms of how relationship ready they are.
[Stage 5 is irrelevant for most people unless you are a public personality, e.g. the former politician Vincent Wijeysingha.]
"To love at all is to be vulnerable." - C.S. Lewis
The reason why being out matters to the health of your romantic relationships is because being in a relationship is about being emotionally available to your partner, and also being vulnerable to your partner on emotional terms. It is not possible to feel deeply for someone without exposing yourself to being hurt by that person.
It is possible to be in a relationship despite only being at stage 2 above, but the benefit of being further along in being out is that it lends a sense of greater authenticity to all of one's relationships, whether those relationships are with friends, family or colleagues. That greater authenticity in turn makes it easier to open oneself up to intimacy with a partner.
Gay people growing up in a environment hostile to their sexual orientation frequently develop preternatural instincts in shielding themselves from emotional contact with those they are unsure of acceptance from. That includes family and friends. Without being out to one's family for instance, a gay person, on some subconscious or conscious level, might fear that their family's love and concern for them is purely conditional on them being straight and "normal". That fear of being hurt creates emotional distance between the gay person and the people who are closest and most important to him.
If that emotional distance was to be confined to just being between a gay person and the people he was not out to, it would not be such a great problem. But the problem is that the emotional distance oftentimes carries over to all of a gay person's relationships, diminishing the quality of friendships, closeness to family, collegiality at work and yes, emotional intimacy with one's partner.
Someone who is only at stage 2 is more likely to be emotionally guarded and hence less available emotionally to their partner. That makes it harder for a relationship to progress. As Woody Allen once quipped, a relationship is like a shark, it has to constantly move forward or it dies.
Second Order Effects
A second reason why being out helps make a romantic relationship stronger is that it places considerably less stress on a relationship, particularly if between the two people in a relationship, one is further along in being out than the other.
Someone who is not out is constantly censoring his answers to questions like, "How was your weekend?", or finds it impossible to share a large part of his life with other people. He may feel compelled to play the pronoun game, or simply avoid any mention of his personal life at work.
He may also feel uncomfortable appearing too close in public with his partner, or live in fear of being seen with his partner by his family or friends he's not out to. All these "second order" effects can place a budding relationship under considerable stress when the partner who is more out may resent how the less out partner is forcing him into intolerable situations.
Being in a gay relationship is hard enough, what with the lack of positive role models and societal acceptance, and how men in general, gay or straight, are not socialized to negotiate intimacy and emotions from a young age. A closeted man can still be in a successful relationship, but it will certainly be much harder and require more understanding and communication between the two guys in the relationship.
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