Registration is now open for our next event in August. This event will be a little different from previous events as it will be held on a weekend afternoon (2:30 - 4:30pm) instead of a weeknight. Personally, I'm curious as to what kind of crowd will turn up this time round.
The venue will be made known to registered participants at a later date. It will NOT be in a central part of the island, but will instead be in a gay-owned cafe in the east.
The organizers of Indignation 2014 will be helping to publicize this event as it falls within the same month as Indignation, so there's a good chance that this event will fill up quickly. Register now to secure your place.
Saturday, 26 July 2014
Sunday, 22 June 2014
"Can I put the organizer's name on my program sheet?"
I've organized three 7for7 events to date, and occasionally, a few participants ask the question, "Can I put Kok Leong's name on my program sheet?" This happened again at the most recent event held this past Wednesday.
Well, not that *I* actually get asked the question. :-) Typically, the person who gets asked the question is my assistant...who is usually at a loss for a response. So, I figured I might as well clarify matters.
To participants who have ever wondered if I'm "on the market", this is my response:
One of the best parts about attending a speed dating event is that participants do not need to expose their interest in someone else unnecessarily unless that other person is also interested in them. As the event organizer, I play the role of an intermediary in bringing guys who have a mutual interest in each other together.
So, if you are interested in getting to know me better, yes, you can put my name down on your program sheet. However, unlike with other participants, you must be aware and be comfortable with the fact that I will know of your interest in me. I may or may not reciprocate your interest, however, regardless of whether I reciprocate, I will be impressed with any guy who is bold enough to be direct with me, and be willing to risk being declined. Doing so takes real mettle, and I admire that kind of spirit in a guy.
If you are really bold, you can save time and just ask me out at the event itself. :-)
On a related and somewhat ironic note, while I myself have been attracted to some of the guys who have attended my events, I generally will not initiate contact with a participant I am interested in. The reason is because I can't.
As event organizer, I hold everyone's registration and contact information in confidence, and it would not be appropriate for me to initiate a call or message with someone in my database. If I was a participant, and I wasn't interested in the organizer, I would be a little perturbed if the organizer cold called me to ask me out. It could also raise uncomfortable questions, such as asking if the organizer had removed matches from guys he was interested in so he could move in.
This might all sound a little fraught and exaggerated, but I prefer to do things professionally. As a rule, when I initiate contact with participants, it will be on event-related matters only.
Well, not that *I* actually get asked the question. :-) Typically, the person who gets asked the question is my assistant...who is usually at a loss for a response. So, I figured I might as well clarify matters.
To participants who have ever wondered if I'm "on the market", this is my response:
One of the best parts about attending a speed dating event is that participants do not need to expose their interest in someone else unnecessarily unless that other person is also interested in them. As the event organizer, I play the role of an intermediary in bringing guys who have a mutual interest in each other together.
So, if you are interested in getting to know me better, yes, you can put my name down on your program sheet. However, unlike with other participants, you must be aware and be comfortable with the fact that I will know of your interest in me. I may or may not reciprocate your interest, however, regardless of whether I reciprocate, I will be impressed with any guy who is bold enough to be direct with me, and be willing to risk being declined. Doing so takes real mettle, and I admire that kind of spirit in a guy.
If you are really bold, you can save time and just ask me out at the event itself. :-)
On a related and somewhat ironic note, while I myself have been attracted to some of the guys who have attended my events, I generally will not initiate contact with a participant I am interested in. The reason is because I can't.
As event organizer, I hold everyone's registration and contact information in confidence, and it would not be appropriate for me to initiate a call or message with someone in my database. If I was a participant, and I wasn't interested in the organizer, I would be a little perturbed if the organizer cold called me to ask me out. It could also raise uncomfortable questions, such as asking if the organizer had removed matches from guys he was interested in so he could move in.
This might all sound a little fraught and exaggerated, but I prefer to do things professionally. As a rule, when I initiate contact with participants, it will be on event-related matters only.
Thursday, 19 June 2014
Post Event Publicity 18 June 2014
7for7 just held an event on 18 June and the event was a *major* success! Thanks to all the participants who attended and Elvin who graciously offered us his bar to hold the event.
The event was held at Out Bar on a Wednesday night. Again, it was a quiet evening and almost a semi-private event despite Out being open to normal custom.
Here are the event statistics.
More than TWO THIRDS of the participants this time round found matches.
Better yet, practically every participant met a whole bunch of guys they had never met before. Many participants told me that they are fairly "non-scene" or "not very social by nature" and this was the first event they had ever attended (which is true, I have the attendance database to back that up!)
As I often mention to participants, I love 'wildcard' participants who don't know anyone at an event. They make the event more interesting and way easier for my seating algorithm to devise a seating arrangement.
Our next event is likely to be in August or perhaps September. Do look out for updates in late July or August.
We also have an exciting announcement to make in the next few weeks that is non-event related and could drive much greater interest in 7for7. It's a tiny side project that I'm really excited about and has the potential to create massive buzz. Stay tuned. =)
The event was held at Out Bar on a Wednesday night. Again, it was a quiet evening and almost a semi-private event despite Out being open to normal custom.
Here are the event statistics.
More than TWO THIRDS of the participants this time round found matches.
Better yet, practically every participant met a whole bunch of guys they had never met before. Many participants told me that they are fairly "non-scene" or "not very social by nature" and this was the first event they had ever attended (which is true, I have the attendance database to back that up!)
As I often mention to participants, I love 'wildcard' participants who don't know anyone at an event. They make the event more interesting and way easier for my seating algorithm to devise a seating arrangement.
Our next event is likely to be in August or perhaps September. Do look out for updates in late July or August.
We also have an exciting announcement to make in the next few weeks that is non-event related and could drive much greater interest in 7for7. It's a tiny side project that I'm really excited about and has the potential to create massive buzz. Stay tuned. =)
Friday, 13 June 2014
Details for the Event on 18 June 2014
By now, participants who have registered for the event and confirmed their registration through payment should have received the details for the event via email. Also, the pre-event form has been released.
Please check your email if you are participating in the event on 18 June. We look forward to seeing you there!
Please check your email if you are participating in the event on 18 June. We look forward to seeing you there!
Friday, 30 May 2014
Sunday, 25 May 2014
The Pros and Cons of Gay Relationships Compared to Straight Relationships (Yes, there are pros!)
For too long, gays and lesbians have been told that our love is less worthy, that our relationships are less authentic.
That's not true at all. But there ARE differences between gay and lesbian relationships compared to straight relationships. And some are very significant indeed. In this post, we'll talk about some of them.
"Asking who's the 'man' and who's the 'woman' in a gay relationship is like asking which chopstick is the fork."
Gay relationships do not conform to the heteronormative model of a relationship. No one is the 'man' or the 'woman' in the relationship. The relationship is simply two people coming together to form an emotional bond with each other.
That is at once bewildering but also incredibly liberating. Bewildering because living in a homophobic society such as Singapore's, leaving aside the heteronormative model, it is difficult to find many positive role models for durable committed gay relationships.
However, it is also liberating, because gays and lesbians have the freedom to define for themselves what a healthy relationship means, and how the two people in the relationship relate to each other. None of us need to be constrained by what society says is a "proper" relationship.
This freedom to choose how a relationship will be defined is both a gift of our sexual orientation, but also a burden that we must bear.
Healthy gay relationships can be equitable in a way that straight relationships rarely are.
I dance the tango. And one reason why I am drawn to the tango is because queertango , the most modern and progressive interpretation of tango, is a perfect metaphor for gay relationships.
In queertango, unlike the tango which originated in the barrios of male-dominated Argentina, the two partners are not confined to the traditional male and female-gendered roles. No longer is there a “male” role and a “female” role. Instead, one partner “leads” while the other “follows”. Men can dance with men, women can dance with women, and women can lead while men can follow. In addition, partners are free to exchange roles as they wish, even mid-step within the same dance. No one needs to dance only a single role throughout the dance.
In the same way, a gay relationship can be equitable in a way that straight relationships rarely are. Because there are no predefined gender roles, no one person needs to be solely responsible for being the primary breadwinner, or managing the housework, or taking care of the kids, or being the financial gatekeeper, or any one of a hundred things that in a straight relationship would fall to a default gender in the absence of a discussion.
In healthy gay relationships, there is a more equal division of the responsibilities and obligations of the two people in the relationship.
When I bring up this point in conversations with my straight girlfriends, they all unanimously say how they wish their own relationships were like that, marked by mutual respect and equity. This is without doubt, one of the most positive qualities that gay relationships have that straight relationships seldom share.
Two men in a relationship often have to learn how to jointly negotiate intimacy.
From a young age, men are conditioned to be strong, competitive and independent. Unlike women, men are generally not socialized from a young age to negotiate intimacy. Men, gay and straight, tend to lack intimacy skills.
Think about how boys learn early that it is not OK to cry in public, that crying is weak behavior unbecoming of a real man. That proscription against crying that we learn from a young age is reinforced similarly for displays of emotion. The traditional male antipathy for what is merely the display of emotions carries over to the experiencing of the actual emotions themselves. Most men come to maturity without having a complete emotional vocabulary, so to speak.
In straight relationships, there is a whole body of literature discussing how part of the woman’s role in a relationship is to educate her man on the intricacies of navigating their emotions. What does it mean to be sensitive? What does it mean to be vulnerable, to be intimate? How do trust, faith, desire and commitment figure in the warp and weft of the tapestry that is a relationship?
Two men in a relationship face an uphill challenge when it comes to achieving true emotional intimacy. Conflict commonly arises when there is an inability to communicate tender and vulnerable feelings. Gay men in relationships often tend to hold back from commitment for fear of losing power and control.
Because so many of the difficulties of handling emotions for a man are inextricably linked to the (straight) male gender identity, an identity largely defined by societal expectations, the challenge becomes even more complicated if the men in question have not yet defined for themselves the meaning of masculinity, and what being a gay man means for either of them.
The desire for sexual variety outside a committed relationship is often thought of as the biggest challenge that gay male couples face. But the challenges of negotiating intimacy may in fact be more difficult.
Communication is even more important in gay relationships than in straight relationships.
Corollary 1: Healthy gay relationships are characterized by robust communication.
Corollary 2: In a healthy gay relationship, there is more and better sex compared to a straight relationship.
Because of the challenges of negotiating intimacy, the healthiest gay relationships, just like the healthiest straight relationships, tend to be characterized by superior communication.
Getting to the stage of superior communication obviously requires a lot of time, work and patience. But it is well worth the effort, not just within the relationship, but also beneath the sheets.
Popular sex advice columnist and gay activist Dan Savage has argued that gay men have better sex, simply because we communicate better what we enjoy, oftentimes out of complete necessity. As he puts it, two men having sex have to decide if there's going to be penetration, where the penetration happens, who does the penetration...you get the idea. Unlike gay men, straight people seldom have this kind of discussion in detail prior to having sex. That can lead to mismatched expectations.
In the same way, solid communication between partners in a gay relationship extends into the bedroom. Assuming that the partners adhere to the advice that Esther Perel gives on preserving erotic space, sex can continue to be exciting and novel, and yes, there will be more of it and it will be more satisfying than either partner thought possible.
Saturday, 17 May 2014
Is Having Sex on a First Date a Good Idea?
When it comes to dating and hook-ups, there's no question that sex is a lot more easily obtainable for gay men than for straight men, even at a first meeting.
So, the question then becomes, is it a good idea to have sex on a first date?
The answer is, like for most questions in life, "it depends".
The really important question to ask before you consider having sex on a first date is whether you consider the guy you're meeting to be a prospective romance.
If after the first date, you don't consider the guy to be a strong romantic prospect, but you still feel physical attraction to him and you're, ahem, horny...having sex with him, assuming he's agreeable, is really not a major issue. I'm not one of those prudish aunty types who will tell you that casual sex is to be frowned upon. In such an instance, your date has morphed into a potential hook-up, and it's only a question of whether you want to proceed all the way or you're just not in the mood. Either way, there are no major consequences (assuming you practice safe sex).
The dilemma arises when the chemistry between you and your date is so strong that both of you feel that the date should culminate in a night of passion.
Some people will say that there's no better way to cap a great date than to end it between the sheets. And indeed, there's nothing quite like instant gratification. However, my advice is to hold off on the sex on the first date.
[I am fully aware that there will be people who will disagree with me, and that's fine too. Advice is just advice, and its utility may be highly situational.]
I've never really bought the whole BS about how having sex on a first date can compromise your development as a couple, and how it may negatively affect commitment from the other guy as your relationship progresses. If the guy is a player or commitment-phobic, that will be a problem no matter whether you sleep with him on a first date or not.
No, the main reason why I advise against having sex on a first date is because it robs the two of you of much greater satisfaction later in the relationship when you do have sex for the first time.
Assuming the two of you enjoy such great chemistry that the first date has a serious shot at progressing to a far more significant relationship, it's a given that the sex will happen. It's only a matter of time. But the benefit of holding off on the first date is that when you do have sex with the guy, the two of you will know each other better, have a higher comfort level with each other, and are more likely to be good, giving and game to each other. Oh, and there will be a lot more cuddling before and after, which many people enjoy just as much as the sex. All that translates into much more satisfying sex the first time.
If you're not convinced, think about the very first time you had sex. Was it good? If you're like most people, the very first time you had sex was most likely NOT good. At least by the standards of what you consider good sex now. And by sex, I mean with someone else, both of you naked, doing the full ensemble of acts and positions. Quickie handjobs and blowjobs do not count.
Most memories of first experiences with sex are marked by self-consciousness, hesitancy conflicting with heavy desire, performance anxiety, and just plain old fumbling with the mechanics of sex.
We all become better at sex with practice, but unless you're the type that has, ahem, a lot of experience, it's not uncommon to have a few miscues or awkward moments when having sex with someone new for the first time. A smooth synchronized performance it usually is not. And even if you are very experienced, the other guy may not be.
So, given the possibility of awkward moments AND the fact that this guy that you feel so strongly attracted to but barely know could be THE ONE, why have sex on a first date when there's just so much more at stake and so much more pressure to have great sex? If the sex doesn't turn out so well, then what? The subpar experience could have been due to purely situational reasons, but one or the two of you might decide to throw in the towel and not proceed further, which might be a great pity.
Why not wait until you get to know each other a little better, then if the awkward self-conscious moments do arise during intimacy, the two of you can laugh over it and be good, giving and game to each other in bed because the two of you are already so comfortable together. The experience will have as much passion as first date sex thanks to the anticipation, but will be much sweeter due to the closer emotional bond.
Of course, I don't advise holding out on sex until the two of you have had many, many dates either. Assessing sexual compatibility is an important consideration too if the relationship is to progress. Having great sex the first time with someone new is really just a matter of the comfort level. It's just that it's highly unlikely that you can achieve an optimal comfort level on a first date.
___
Register with us at http://7for7speeddating.blogspot.sg/p/register-with.html
So, the question then becomes, is it a good idea to have sex on a first date?
The answer is, like for most questions in life, "it depends".
The really important question to ask before you consider having sex on a first date is whether you consider the guy you're meeting to be a prospective romance.
If after the first date, you don't consider the guy to be a strong romantic prospect, but you still feel physical attraction to him and you're, ahem, horny...having sex with him, assuming he's agreeable, is really not a major issue. I'm not one of those prudish aunty types who will tell you that casual sex is to be frowned upon. In such an instance, your date has morphed into a potential hook-up, and it's only a question of whether you want to proceed all the way or you're just not in the mood. Either way, there are no major consequences (assuming you practice safe sex).
The dilemma arises when the chemistry between you and your date is so strong that both of you feel that the date should culminate in a night of passion.
Some people will say that there's no better way to cap a great date than to end it between the sheets. And indeed, there's nothing quite like instant gratification. However, my advice is to hold off on the sex on the first date.
[I am fully aware that there will be people who will disagree with me, and that's fine too. Advice is just advice, and its utility may be highly situational.]
I've never really bought the whole BS about how having sex on a first date can compromise your development as a couple, and how it may negatively affect commitment from the other guy as your relationship progresses. If the guy is a player or commitment-phobic, that will be a problem no matter whether you sleep with him on a first date or not.
No, the main reason why I advise against having sex on a first date is because it robs the two of you of much greater satisfaction later in the relationship when you do have sex for the first time.
Assuming the two of you enjoy such great chemistry that the first date has a serious shot at progressing to a far more significant relationship, it's a given that the sex will happen. It's only a matter of time. But the benefit of holding off on the first date is that when you do have sex with the guy, the two of you will know each other better, have a higher comfort level with each other, and are more likely to be good, giving and game to each other. Oh, and there will be a lot more cuddling before and after, which many people enjoy just as much as the sex. All that translates into much more satisfying sex the first time.
If you're not convinced, think about the very first time you had sex. Was it good? If you're like most people, the very first time you had sex was most likely NOT good. At least by the standards of what you consider good sex now. And by sex, I mean with someone else, both of you naked, doing the full ensemble of acts and positions. Quickie handjobs and blowjobs do not count.
Most memories of first experiences with sex are marked by self-consciousness, hesitancy conflicting with heavy desire, performance anxiety, and just plain old fumbling with the mechanics of sex.
We all become better at sex with practice, but unless you're the type that has, ahem, a lot of experience, it's not uncommon to have a few miscues or awkward moments when having sex with someone new for the first time. A smooth synchronized performance it usually is not. And even if you are very experienced, the other guy may not be.
So, given the possibility of awkward moments AND the fact that this guy that you feel so strongly attracted to but barely know could be THE ONE, why have sex on a first date when there's just so much more at stake and so much more pressure to have great sex? If the sex doesn't turn out so well, then what? The subpar experience could have been due to purely situational reasons, but one or the two of you might decide to throw in the towel and not proceed further, which might be a great pity.
Why not wait until you get to know each other a little better, then if the awkward self-conscious moments do arise during intimacy, the two of you can laugh over it and be good, giving and game to each other in bed because the two of you are already so comfortable together. The experience will have as much passion as first date sex thanks to the anticipation, but will be much sweeter due to the closer emotional bond.
Of course, I don't advise holding out on sex until the two of you have had many, many dates either. Assessing sexual compatibility is an important consideration too if the relationship is to progress. Having great sex the first time with someone new is really just a matter of the comfort level. It's just that it's highly unlikely that you can achieve an optimal comfort level on a first date.
___
Register with us at http://7for7speeddating.blogspot.sg/p/register-with.html
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)