Post Publicity 1 Oct 2014

7for7 just held another successful event on 1 Oct.

The event was a private indoor event held at The Bar Above, on the second floor above the popular Vietnamese restaurant Pho Stop.

Here are the event statistics:

Given that many people are likely to have travel plans during the year end, our next event is likely to be held in January next year. Hopefully, there will be fresh interest after the new year. See you soon.

Event Registration Now Open

Our next event will be held at a bar in Tanjong Pagar on a weeknight. Interestingly, the bar is on the second floor of a shophouse and offers outdoor al fresco seating on the roof. I've viewed the space and it looks like a great venue for events. Registration closes in just 10 days, so we recommend registering early.

As always, registration is confirmed only after payment has been received and acknowledged.

Data Analytics Wrap-up

We've had five posts on data analytics related to speed dating, and if you haven't had time to read our previous posts, this final post is a summary of all our findings. Based on our data and analysis, our conclusions are:

1. It's really hard to find someone you like who likes you back. So, dating is invariably going to be frustrating and a lot of hard work. Be persistent and you might be rewarded someday.


2. Even if you aren't the most attractive person, being sociable and approachable helps improve your chances. It really does.


3. Age matters. How it matters, however, is a separate question altogether. Keep this in mind as you search for a romantic connection.


4. If you're going to attend dating events, go to facilitated events. Facilitated events work better than unstructured events.

A Tableau Storyboard on Interests of Participants

Ever been curious about what activities and interests gay men are into? Wonder no more.

In my day job in data analytics, I use and also develop a number of software tools. One of the tools I use is a data visualization software called Tableau.

Today's post will be a little different as it will be much less wordy, and rely on visuals from a Tableau storyboard that I have constructed. So, let's begin.

These are the top 30 interests among participants sorted from most to least popular. By a large margin, the top 3 interests are movies, travelling and listening to music.

Some interests are universal; they have broad appeal across age groups. The top 3 universal interests are listening to music, movies and dining out. If you're on a date, and you find yourself at a loss for conversation topics, talk about any or all of these three things to keep the conversation flowing. Go into specifics to deepen the conversation: artistes, genres, restaurants etc.

Interestingly, across all age groups, the the top 7 interests tend to be fairly similar, but their relative ranking varies significantly by age group. For example, while travelling was the number 2 interest overall and popular with most age groups, it was not a universal interest because it did not figure in the top 7 for the under-25 age group. The under-25 age group was the only age group that did not find travelling important.

Here are the top 7 interests for each age group.

There are some discernible patterns in how interests vary with age. Here are 5 examples. 

Interestingly, team sports are much less popular than individual sports. Maybe gay men just didn't get into the whole male bonding thing back in school. Perhaps some of us were less athletic in our youth, and ended up being the proverbial last kid that's picked for a team; ergo, the lifelong aversion to team sports.

Do Age and Common Interests Matter?

When I first devised my seating algorithm, the prime consideration was coming up with an algorithm that could avoid seating arrangements where participants would meet someone they already knew or had speed dated previously. The secondary consideration was optimizing the seating arrangement so that people whom I thought were more likely to connect would meet each other on a speed date. I designed the seating algorithm to minimize the age difference while maximizing the number of mutual interests between participants who speed dated each other.

Naturally, I wanted to verify whether this hypothesis of age difference and mutual interests actually mattered when it came to improving the chances of a match. I analyzed the data in the following way:

1. I looked at the pairs of participants who speed dated each other. For each pair, I calculated the absolute age difference and the number of mutual interests between them. 


2. Across all speed dating pairs, I calculated the average absolute age difference and the average number of mutual interests. 


3. I repeated the procedure in (1) and (2) separately for two subsets of the pairs of participants who speed dated each other:
   1. Those pairs where only one participant was interested in the other (I call this the “expressions of interest” group).
   2. Those pairs where both participants were interested in each other, resulting in a match (the “matches” group).


4. Finally, I compared the average absolute age difference and the average number of mutual interests across the three groups: the speed dating group, the “expressions of interest” group, and the matches group.

It should be noted that I carried out the analysis only for guys who speed dated each other. Carrying out the analysis for guys who mingled at the event but did not speed date each other would not have been useful because not everyone meets everyone else at the mingling. Some participants leave right after the speed dating portion of the event.

More importantly, and this may come as a surprise to some of you, the incidence of matches that occur between guys who mingle but do not speed date each other is actually very, very low. Across all 3 events I have held, there are only been 5 such matches. The low number of such matches precludes any credible analysis. In contrast, there have been 18 matches between speed dating pairs.

Now, let’s look at what I found from the analysis.

Age Difference

As it turns out, there is a difference in average age difference across the groups. The chart below shows that the age difference is significantly smaller in the matches group as compared to the speed dating or expressions of interest groups.

A less thorough analysis would conclude here that the smaller the age difference between a dating pair, the more likely they are to match. That would be a premature conclusion however.

One thing that stood out while I was organizing events was the age distribution of participants who come to 7for7 events. The majority of participants who attend my events are in the 20-40 age group. Only about 20% of participants are in the above 40 age group. This distribution of ages, however, is not preserved when we look at the matches group. The chart below shows the data.

When we move from the speed dating group to the matches group, the proportion of participants above the age of 40 halves. Only about 10% of participants with a match are above the age of 40. Obviously, since the above-40 group accounts for a lower proportion of the matches group, the 20-30 and 30-40 age groups must take up a correspondingly larger proportion in the matches group.

The increase is greatest for the 20-30 age group: an increase from 36% to 42% represents an increase of 17% (we’re taking ratios here, not absolute differences). The increase is more muted for the 30-40 age group (44% to 47% represents a 7% increase).

So, what does all this mean?

It means that it is age itself, rather than the age difference, that is the important factor in explaining the smaller absolute age difference in the matches group as compared to the speed dating or expressions of interest groups. Older guys receive disproportionately fewer matches compared to the younger guys, particularly those in their 20s, and that means that guys in the matches group are generally younger guys matching up with each other. This is confirmed when I plot the same age difference data not as a simple column chart, but as a box plot, shown below.

The distribution of age differences gets tighter as we move from the speed dating group, to the expressions of interest group, to the matches group. For those who need a primer on what box plots are, here’s the Wikipedia entry.

I hate to sound ageist when I say that age matters, but the data is the data. [And as for those who like to claim that age is "just a number"...well, my numbers - the data I have collected, say otherwise.] While age matters, how and why it matters is a completely different question altogether. One that I cannot answer definitively with the data I have.

There could be a plethora of reasons why age matters. Maybe older guys are clearer in their minds what they’re looking for, so they tend to be more selective and receive fewer matches as a result.

Maybe the older guys who come to my events are less physically attractive; age certainly affects how a person looks. In which case, the difference that I am observing in the data has less to do with age than with youth and physical attractiveness. Age is simply a proxy indicator.

Or maybe things work pretty much the same in the gay world as they do in the straight world. Guys, no matter their age, prefer to date youthful partners. Straight men well into their 50s still prefer the company of younger women in their 20s rather than someone closer to their own age. Gay men might well be the same.

If you are above the age of 40 and reading this, I am not discriminating against you. Frankly, I'm not that far off from the big 4-O myself. I am interpreting what I see in the data.

Does this mean that if you're above 40, you shouldn't attend speed dating events? No. There are lots of reasons why you might choose not to attend speed dating events, but this shouldn't be one of them. That would be like blaming the mirror for why you look the way you do. Also, the data above shows that guys in their 40s can still get matches, albeit at a lower frequency.

Mutual Interests

It may seem counterintuitive, but my data showed that the number of mutual interests didn’t seem to matter. We would expect that the number of mutual interests would increase going from the speed dating group to the expressions of interest group to the matches group. In fact, there was little discernible difference in the average number of mutual interests between the three groups.

I can think of a number of reasons to explain this counterintuitive result:

1. People don’t take the information they provide on their interests and activities seriously when they fill up the registration form. For example, something like a third of all guys put down board games as an activity, but in my experience, very few people actually regularly play board games. This is essentially a problem with bad data.


2. Just because people have activities in common doesn’t mean they will hit it off on the basis of those activities. It depends on what kinds of activities we're talking about.
   
   For example, something like 50% of the guys who register on my website indicate “gym” as an activity. But if you’re a gay man, going to the gym regularly is practically a necessity of the gay condition. Many guys genuinely enjoy going to the gym, but an even larger number go to the gym because they feel they have to build a body that will garner some attention. It’s probably not likely that guys will bond over an activity that is regarded as a chore by some.


3. Some interests are so banal as to render them useless in predicting attraction between dates. For example, listening to music, movies and dining out are the top 3 activities. More than three quarters of participants indicated interest in these activities. Come to think of it, they're probably the top 3 activities of Singaporeans in general.


4. I collect data on activities and interests that participants claim they engage in (whether or not they actually engage in these activities is a separate question altogether). I do not, however, collect data on the intensity of these interests and activities.
   
   Based on my analysis of the data, most guys list too many activities rather than their most important activities and interests. In retrospect, I should have limited the number of activities and interests that registrants could select to perhaps their top 5.
   
   It seems more likely for two guys who have 1 deep mutual interest (particularly if it is an unusual or uncommon interest)  to hit it off than if they had 10 shallow mutual interests. This reason is probably the likeliest one for the number of mutual interests to apparently not have an impact on the probability of a match.

A more detailed post on the interests of participants, and by extension, single gay men, will follow next week.

The Speed Dating Value-Add

In a speed dating event, you meet dates that the organizer has arranged for you. In a singles mixer, you are free to mingle with and speak to anyone you wish.

When it comes to matching up with guys that you might be interested in, is there a difference between a speed dating event and a casual singles mixer?

That was a question that I asked myself when I first started 7for7. A speed dating event is a whole lot of work to organize. There are participants to confirm registration for, seating arrangements to devise, program sheets to print out, matches to coordinate at the end of an event...Quite frankly, a singles mixer is a lot less preparation. It can accommodate walk-ins, and it's also more profitable since I can pack in as many guys as the venue can hold.

So, why do I organize speed dating events?

Because I had a hunch that they work better than casual mixers. And I set out to collect data to verify that hypothesis. This post is about how speed dating improves your chances of getting matches as compared to just attending a mixer event.

Let's start with a diagram.

Let's take our gold-colored guy in the diagram as an example: "John".

When I hold a speed dating event for 20 guys, John meets with 7 other guys on a speed date: the guys in blue. Now, John attended the event with a friend, whom he has no romantic inclinations toward. John's friend is the green guy.

Aside from John, his friend and John's 7 speed dates, there are 11 other guys who are also participating in the event: the guys in black. John doesn't meet these guys on his speed dates, but he can meet with them during the mingling after the speed dating portion of the event.

Now, John can express interest in any of the guys who attend the event, not just those he speed dated. Because he has 1 friend whom he knows, 7 speed dates and 11 other participants, we can expect that all other things being equal, the proportion of guys he's interested in should be, on average, 1:7:11, in the order of his friend, speed dates and other participants. That is, we would expect that the number of "other participants" that John would be interested in would be about 11/7 times the number of "speed dates" that he's interested in.

All other things being equal of course.

Now of course, John probably isn't very interested in his friend. And he might actually leave the event without being interested in anyone at all. The ratio of 1:7:11 is just an expected proportion. John obviously can't be interested in fractional guys.

But, I can do the same proportioning for every guy who attends my event. More generally, I can count, across all the events I have held, the number of possible "expressions of interest" in speed dates, other participants, and the "declined": those guys that participants at my event have told me specifically that they do not wish to speed date (usually because they already know each other).

Based on data I have collected, this is the theoretical distribution of expressions of interest.

As can be expected, the greatest theoretical share of expressions of interest belongs to other participants. After all, there can be up to 20 participants at one event, but each guy only speed dates 7 guys; there can be up to 12 other participants he doesn't speed date. The smallest share goes to declined, which is also expected, since most guys attend my events with at most 1 or 2 friends.

This theoretical distribution is premised on all other things being equal. If speed dating adds no value as compared to a casual singles mixer, we would expect the actual distribution of expressions of interest to look very similar to the theoretical distribution.

In fact, the actual distribution of expressions of interest looks like this:

Clearly, the vast majority of expressions of interest is actually between guys who speed date each other. So, speed dating does make a difference.

Do note that this disparity between theoretical and actual distributions is not due to participants having spent more time speed dating instead of mixing with other participants.

If you have ever attended a 7for7 event, you would know that I specifically budget slightly more than 1 hour for mingling. This is intended by design. The speed dating portion of the event takes up just 50 minutes. I wanted to ensure that participants had more than enough time to mingle around so that a fair comparison could be made between speed dating and mingling.

Now of course, the design of the experiment is not perfect. The optimal experimental design would involve me holding separate speed dating-only events and casual mixer-only events, and comparing results between the two. But as it is, getting enough participants is already a challenge, which is why I blended the two kinds of events.

There are other caveats when interpreting the results:

1. Some participants leave right after the speed dating portion of the event, not staying to mingle. This would naturally diminish the number of expressions of interest in the "other participants" group. But the number of such participants is generally small.


2. The seating arrangement for 7for7 is not random, but devised by an algorithm that minimizes age differences while maximizing common interests. It's an open question whether it is my algorithm that is increasing the proportion of expressions of interest coming from speed dating, or the nature of speed dating itself.

Despite the caveats however, the evidence does seem to suggest that speed dating enhances opportunities for interaction far more than compared to casual mingling. Speed dating leaves a deeper impression and improves the likelihood that you'll find someone you're interested in.

The next logical question to ask then is, assuming you were interested in someone after a speed date, what's the likelihood that they are interested in you back? That is, what percentage of expressions of interest arising from speed dating become matches? And how does this percentage compare to expressions of interest that arise from casual mingling instead?

Here's the data:

If you are interested in someone that you met while mingling, the probability of him being interested in you back is 13%. In contrast, for a speed date you're interested in, the probability of him being interested in you back is a significantly higher 19%.

Remember, this is the proportion of expressions of interest that turn into matches. So, irrespective of how likely you are to be interested in someone you speed date versus someone you mingle with, the chances of someone you are interested in being interested in you back are still higher for a speed date as opposed to a casual meeting during the mingling. Much higher in fact, almost by half.

I've refrained from showing the raw data thus far, but now is a good time to mention it. Across all 3 events that I have held, there have been 18 matches that resulted from speed dates. In contrast, there have been only 5 matches that resulted between participants who did not speed date each other. The contrast is quite remarkable when you consider that despite the larger amount of time that I allocate for mingling and the far larger number of guys that each participant can meet while mingling as compared to speed dating, the number of matches that result is fewer than half.

So, what's the conclusion? The conclusion that I draw from the data is this: in terms of getting you matches, facilitated events such as speed dating work much better than unstructured events like singles' mixers.

A facilitated event need not be a speed dating event. It could be a small group of guys at a party hosted by one of your friends who's trying to introduce you to other friends of his. The point here is this: a little bit of facilitation that promotes conversation between guys who would not normally approach each other of their own volition is a good thing.

In retrospect, it's hardly a surprise that facilitated events work better than unstructured events. I have a very good straight friend who attends singles' meet-ups, and according to him, the few hot girls who attend the event invariably get surrounded and buttonholed by many guys, while the less attractive girls (who may be perfectly decent looking, just not as hot) get ignored.

I imagine the same would occur for gay men attending such events. Going to singles' mixers works well if you are very good-looking and attractive. But if you are very good-looking and attractive, online dating on gay apps like jack'd probably works just as well; you get lots of messages without stepping outside the house.

For those of you who are less confident of your looks, facilitated events are probably going to work better for you than mixers or online dating.

Who Gets Matched Up at 7for7 Events?

I've held 3 events so far, and about 50 participants have attended my events. Only a few participants have attended 2 events, none all 3. Some of you have received matches, some of you have not. This post is about who gets matched up at an event, and how you can improve your chances of getting matches in future events.

Let's start with with a chart.

At every event, every participant indicates on their program sheet who they are interested in. In the chart above, every black dot represents a participant. On the x-axis is the number of participants he indicated interest in. On the y-axis is the number of participants who indicated interest in him.

Right now, the chart isn't very interesting. It's just a scatter of black dots. So, let's add more information. The chart below is exactly the same as the one above, except that participants who received matches are shown as red circles instead of black dots. The size of the circle is proportionate to the number of matches the participant received. Large red circles represent participants who received many matches.

The chart above shows more of a pattern, but to make things even easier to see, let's divide the chart up into 4 quadrants.

Now let's name each of the 4 quadrants.

1. Upper Left Hand Quadrant: Snow Queens (represented by Elsa from the movie Frozen)
2. Upper Right Hand Quadrant: Belles of the Ball (represented by Belle from Beauty and the Beast)
3. Lower Right Hand Quadrant: Butterflies
4. Lower Left Hand Quadrant: Wallflowers

If you haven't already guessed, the names are descriptive of each of the quadrants. Snow Queens tend to be popular, but are selective with who they are interested in. Butterflies are the opposite; they're very sociable and are interested in several guys, but tend not to be so popular themselves. Wallflowers tend not to make their presence felt during the event; they aren't interested in many guys and vice versa. Belles of the Ball are exactly that: popular, sociable...they never go home empty-handed.

Now, please note that while every participant falls into a quadrant, in no way am I judging anyone for which quadrant they fall into. Where you fall into a quadrant depends not just on you, but also on what everyone else does at the event. For example, if everyone at an event was a Butterfly, all the Butterflies would transform into Belles of the Ball simply due to group interactions.

The reason why I divided participants into these 4 quadrants was to try and understand how being attractive and being sociable at an event affects how many matches a participant gets.

Below is the chart showing a summary of results for each of the 4 quadrants. The left y-axis shows the percentage of participants in each quadrant who go home with at least 1 match. The right y-axis shows the average number of matches for participants in each quadrant who have at least 1 match.

Looking at this chart, some things become clear. Wallflowers unsurprisingly don't get many matches. Every other quadrant does significantly better at receiving at least 1 match.

What is a bit more unexpected is that while the Snow Queens are popular with many guys, they only do marginally better than the Butterflies in terms of the probability of getting at least one match and the average number of matches they get. As it turns out, a Snow Queen may be good-looking, have a great body, be popular...but that is no guarantee that the few guys he's interested in are interested in him back. The Butterflies do almost as well as the Snow Queens by being sociable and open to meeting many guys. For a Snow Queen, being selective may be about knowing what you're looking for, but it certainly narrows the field down quite a bit.

The Belles of the Ball do the best at events, again unsurprisingly. What may come as a surprise is how much better they actually do compared to other participants. No Belle of the Ball ever leaves an event without a match, and quite often, they leave with multiple matches. Being attractive is well and good, but being sociable and approachable at an event makes things even better for them.

So, what percentage of participants fall into each of the 4 quadrants? See the chart below.

Belles of the Ball are rare, Snow Queens and Butterflies are about equally represented, and the largest group are the Wallflowers.

So, at this point, you might be asking, what does this all mean for me?

The primary takeaway that I want participants to understand is that attending a dating event is not about screening guys for a potential soulmate. It's about being open to the possibility of chemistry with someone else.

While every person is selective about what they are looking for, it makes sense to be selective only about the things most important to you. If you are very selective about many things, that is certainly your prerogative, but you should understand that the odds of a match will be correspondingly lower, just as they are for the Snow Queens and the Wallflowers. As event organizer, I create the space for interactions; what happens in that space is entirely up to you.

How Hard is it to Get a Match at a 7for7 Event?

Let's start with a refresher on the basics of probability and combinatorics. For those of you who were bad at math back in school, I promise to go easy on you. :o)

Here's a very simple example.

If you were offered 4 colored blocks, and you could choose any 2, how many different ways could you choose your pair of colored blocks?

The answer is 6. There are 6 different ways of choosing 2 out of 4 blocks.

Now, if you had 20 guys in a room at a gay dating event, how many possible combinations of couples could you have?

....

I'll save you the suspense. There are a total of 190 different couple combinations. So, theoretically speaking, when I hold a 7for7 event, there could up to 190 matches. Fewer if the number of participants is less than 20. Of course, we never ever even remotely approach that number of matches. So, how many matches do I actually record at every event? You can see the numbers below:

In practice, the total number of matches is very low, as seen in the table above. If we take the total number of matches divided by the total possible number of matches, we end up with a crude estimate of how likely it is for two people to hit it off together. Something like an average probability of 6%.

In reality, the number is even lower for most people, because the good-looking and attractive guys who attend my events go home with multiple matches. These guys skew the average upwards. The probability of a match for an average looking guy with an average personality is probably in the range of about 3%.

We all knew it was challenging finding someone you liked who liked you back, at least enough for a second date. Well, my data is telling you exactly how challenging it is. The odds are 17-1 against.

When I first presented this to the organizers of Indignation when I was pitching the idea of a talk, I was told this rather depressing figure wasn't something I should show, because it would discourage people from attending my events.

I didn't say it then, but I thought that the idea of not showing the data was insane.

The low probability of a match isn't the fault of speed dating; it's a reflection of the fact that it's really hard to find someone compatible. Whether you choose to attend a dating event or not doesn't change that fact. And attending a dating event is not an either-or proposition; just because you go to a dating event doesn't mean you can't also do online dating, ask friends for introductions, go to a gay bar or cruise at the gym. So, the low probability of a match is no reason to not go to a dating event, because it isn't a phenomenon peculiar to a dating event.

In fact, I would argue that the low probability of a match is precisely why people should attend dating events. Again, we'll have to turn to the numbers to get the story.

For any given pair of guys at a 7for7 event, the probability of a match, as stated above, is very low, standing at about 6%. But the probability of a participant who attends a 7for7 event going home with at least one match is actually quite good. Better than 50%!

The chance of hitting it off with one particular guy is only about 6%, but the chance of hitting it off with at least one guy when you meet a whole bunch of guys at an event is ten times better: 60%.

This again reflects the fact that dating is inherently a numbers game. And a dating event is the most efficient way to actually meet, in person, many new guys.  The more guys you meet, the more guys you'll find yourself interested in, and the more likely you will go home with at least one match.

When you consider the low probability of making a match, it makes sense to go to a dating event where you get the chance to meet many gay, single and relationship-oriented individuals. It's like buying multiple lottery tickets; you're more likely to walk away with a prize than if you just bought one ticket (meaning you went on a one-on-one date with a prospect).

And remember, the low probability of a match that I have estimated above is in the context of a dating event, which as I have mentioned, involves gay, single and relationship-oriented individuals.

What's the probability that you'll meet someone gay, single and relationship-oriented in the normal context of your life? And that both of you happen to be compatible with each other?

In all likelihood, much, much lower. 

And if you're closeted? Practically zero.

New Series of Interest Posts - Dating Analytics

When I started 7for7, among the many considerations I had in organizing events was the idea of collecting and analyzing data related to dating. The inspiration for this idea came from OkTrends, the blog from the popular online dating site OkCupid.

Now OkTrends has restarted after a long hiatus (Christian Rudder, the founder, took time out to write his forthcoming book on dating analytics, Dataclysm). And his first new post on OkTrends is a doozy. In his post, he talks about, among other things, the importance of pictures versus the words you fill in your online dating profile.

*Spoiler Alert*: 

Your picture is worth the proverbial thousand words, but your actual words are worth...nothing. Sad, but true, and also unsurprising. But hey, at least someone has proven this for a fact. 

I encourage everyone to read his post in full, especially if you use any online dating websites or apps.

In the spirit of OkTrends' resurrection, after holding 3 events successfully, I've collected enough data to make some interesting observations. Granted, the sample size is small, but I have to start somewhere. 

Originally, I had planned on giving a talk on my insights into dating as part of Indignation 2014. This was the side project I mentioned several weeks ago. However, the organizers of Indignation weren't too enthused about the idea of a talk with statistics and numbers. They offered to help publicize the next 7for7 event instead, but based on data from Google Analytics, there were only about 60 visitors to my blog who linked from Indignation's Facebook page. Just one or two registered on my website (I track that data too). 

Given the limited reach of Indignation, I won't be pursuing the idea of giving a talk. Instead, I've repurposed my presentation as a series of interest posts to be released over the next few weeks. Each post will center on a particular insight or observation that I've gleaned over the course of organizing events.

Now, while enjoying reading my witty and trenchant observations may be well and good for some folks, I understand that some people will want more than that, and indeed, my goal is to offer something for you, as an individual trying to date, that will help you get a better experience out of dating in general. And to that end, this entire series of posts is geared towards offering advice or things to consider as you navigate the jungle that is gay dating.

Event Registration Now Open

Registration is now open for our next event in August. This event will be a little different from previous events as it will be held on a weekend afternoon (2:30 - 4:30pm) instead of a weeknight. Personally, I'm curious as to what kind of crowd will turn up this time round.

The venue will be made known to registered participants at a later date. It will NOT be in a central part of the island, but will instead be in a gay-owned cafe in the east.

The organizers of Indignation 2014 will be helping to publicize this event as it falls within the same month as Indignation, so there's a good chance that this event will fill up quickly. Register now to secure your place.

"Can I put the organizer's name on my program sheet?"

I've organized three 7for7 events to date, and occasionally, a few participants ask the question, "Can I put Kok Leong's name on my program sheet?" This happened again at the most recent event held this past Wednesday.

Well, not that *I* actually get asked the question. :-) Typically, the person who gets asked the question is my assistant...who is usually at a loss for a response. So, I figured I might as well clarify matters.

To participants who have ever wondered if I'm "on the market", this is my response:

One of the best parts about attending a speed dating event is that participants do not need to expose their interest in someone else unnecessarily unless that other person is also interested in them. As the event organizer, I play the role of an intermediary in bringing guys who have a mutual interest in each other together.

So, if you are interested in getting to know me better, yes, you can put my name down on your program sheet. However, unlike with other participants, you must be aware and be comfortable with the fact that I will know of your interest in me. I may or may not reciprocate your interest, however, regardless of whether I reciprocate, I will be impressed with any guy who is bold enough to be direct with me, and be willing to risk being declined. Doing so takes real mettle, and I admire that kind of spirit in a guy.

If you are really bold, you can save time and just ask me out at the event itself. :-)


On a related and somewhat ironic note, while I myself have been attracted to some of the guys who have attended my events, I generally will not initiate contact with a participant I am interested in. The reason is because I can't.

As event organizer, I hold everyone's registration and contact information in confidence, and it would not be appropriate for me to initiate a call or message with someone in my database. If I was a participant, and I wasn't interested in the organizer, I would be a little perturbed if the organizer cold called me to ask me out. It could also raise uncomfortable questions, such as asking if the organizer had removed matches from guys he was interested in so he could move in.

This might all sound a little fraught and exaggerated, but I prefer to do things professionally. As a rule, when I initiate contact with participants, it will be on event-related matters only.

Post Event Publicity 18 June 2014

7for7 just held an event on 18 June and the event was a *major* success! Thanks to all the participants who attended and Elvin who graciously offered us his bar to hold the event.

The event was held at Out Bar on a Wednesday night. Again, it was a quiet evening and almost a semi-private event despite Out being open to normal custom.

Here are the event statistics.

More than TWO THIRDS of the participants this time round found matches.

Better yet, practically every participant met a whole bunch of guys they had never met before. Many participants told me that they are fairly "non-scene" or "not very social by nature" and this was the first event they had ever attended (which is true, I have the attendance database to back that up!)

As I often mention to participants, I love 'wildcard' participants who don't know anyone at an event. They make the event more interesting and way easier for my seating algorithm to devise a seating arrangement.

Our next event is likely to be in August or perhaps September. Do look out for updates in late July or August.

We also have an exciting announcement to make in the next few weeks that is non-event related and could drive much greater interest in 7for7. It's a tiny side project that I'm really excited about and has the potential to create massive buzz. Stay tuned. =)

Details for the Event on 18 June 2014

By now, participants who have registered for the event and confirmed their registration through payment should have received the details for the event via email. Also, the pre-event form has been released.

Please check your email if you are participating in the event on 18 June. We look forward to seeing you there!

Event Registration Now Open

Registration is now open for our next event.

The Pros and Cons of Gay Relationships Compared to Straight Relationships (Yes, there are pros!)

For too long, gays and lesbians have been told that our love is less worthy, that our relationships are less authentic.

That's not true at all. But there ARE differences between gay and lesbian relationships compared to straight relationships. And some are very significant indeed. In this post, we'll talk about some of them.

"Asking who's the 'man' and who's the 'woman' in a gay relationship is like asking which chopstick is the fork."

Gay relationships do not conform to the heteronormative model of a relationship. No one is the 'man' or the 'woman' in the relationship. The relationship is simply two people coming together to form an emotional bond with each other. 

That is at once bewildering but also incredibly liberating. Bewildering because living in a homophobic society such as Singapore's, leaving aside the heteronormative model, it is difficult to find many positive role models for durable committed gay relationships.

However, it is also liberating, because gays and lesbians have the freedom to define for themselves what a healthy relationship means, and how the two people in the relationship relate to each other. None of us need to be constrained by what society says is a "proper" relationship.

This freedom to choose how a relationship will be defined is both a gift of our sexual orientation, but also a burden that we must bear.

Healthy gay relationships can be equitable in a way that straight relationships rarely are.

I dance the tango. And one reason why I am drawn to the tango is because queertango , the most modern and progressive interpretation of tango, is a perfect metaphor for gay relationships.

In queertango, unlike the tango which originated in the barrios of male-dominated Argentina, the two partners are not confined to the traditional male and female-gendered roles. No longer is there a “male” role and a “female” role. Instead, one partner “leads” while the other “follows”. Men can dance with men, women can dance with women, and women can lead while men can follow. In addition, partners are free to exchange roles as they wish, even mid-step within the same dance. No one needs to dance only a single role throughout the dance.

In the same way, a gay relationship can be equitable in a way that straight relationships rarely are. Because there are no predefined gender roles, no one person needs to be solely responsible for being the primary breadwinner, or managing the housework, or taking care of the kids, or being the financial gatekeeper, or any one of a hundred things that in a straight relationship would fall to a default gender in the absence of a discussion.

In healthy gay relationships, there is a more equal division of the responsibilities and obligations of the two people in the relationship.

When I bring up this point in conversations with my straight girlfriends, they all unanimously say how they wish their own relationships were like that, marked by mutual respect and equity. This is without doubt, one of the most positive qualities that gay relationships have that straight relationships seldom share.

Two men in a relationship often have to learn how to jointly negotiate intimacy.

From a young age, men are conditioned to be strong, competitive and independent. Unlike women, men are generally not socialized from a young age to negotiate intimacy. Men, gay and straight, tend to lack intimacy skills. 

Think about how boys learn early that it is not OK to cry in public, that crying is weak behavior unbecoming of a real man. That proscription against crying that we learn from a young age is reinforced similarly for displays of emotion. The traditional male antipathy for what is merely the display of emotions carries over to the experiencing of the actual emotions themselves. Most men come to maturity without having a complete emotional vocabulary, so to speak.

In straight relationships, there is a whole body of literature discussing how part of the woman’s role in a relationship is to educate her man on the intricacies of navigating their emotions. What does it mean to be sensitive? What does it mean to be vulnerable, to be intimate? How do trust, faith, desire and commitment figure in the warp and weft of the tapestry that is a relationship?

Two men in a relationship face an uphill challenge when it comes to achieving true emotional intimacy. Conflict commonly arises when there is an inability to communicate tender and vulnerable feelings. Gay men in relationships often tend to hold back from commitment for fear of losing power and control.

Because so many of the difficulties of handling emotions for a man are inextricably linked to the (straight) male gender identity, an identity largely defined by societal expectations, the challenge becomes even more complicated if the men in question have not yet defined for themselves the meaning of masculinity, and what being a gay man means for either of them.

The desire for sexual variety outside a committed relationship is often thought of as the biggest challenge that gay male couples face. But the challenges of negotiating intimacy may in fact be more difficult.

Communication is even more important in gay relationships than in straight relationships.

Corollary 1: Healthy gay relationships are characterized by robust communication.

Corollary 2: In a healthy gay relationship, there is more and better sex compared to a straight relationship.

Because of the challenges of negotiating intimacy, the healthiest gay relationships, just like the healthiest straight relationships, tend to be characterized by superior communication.

Getting to the stage of superior communication obviously requires a lot of time, work and patience. But it is well worth the effort, not just within the relationship, but also beneath the sheets.

Popular sex advice columnist and gay activist Dan Savage has argued that gay men have better sex, simply because we communicate better what we enjoy, oftentimes out of complete necessity. As he puts it, two men having sex have to decide if there's going to be penetration, where the penetration happens, who does the penetration...you get the idea. Unlike gay men, straight people seldom have this kind of discussion in detail prior to having sex. That can lead to mismatched expectations.

In the same way, solid communication between partners in a gay relationship extends into the bedroom. Assuming that the partners adhere to the advice that Esther Perel gives on preserving erotic space, sex can continue to be exciting and novel, and yes, there will be more of it and it will be more satisfying than either partner thought possible.

Is Having Sex on a First Date a Good Idea?

When it comes to dating and hook-ups, there's no question that sex is a lot more easily obtainable for gay men than for straight men, even at a first meeting.

So, the question then becomes, is it a good idea to have sex on a first date?

The answer is, like for most questions in life, "it depends".

The really important question to ask before you consider having sex on a first date is whether you consider the guy you're meeting to be a prospective romance.

If after the first date, you don't consider the guy to be a strong romantic prospect, but you still feel physical attraction to him and you're, ahem, horny...having sex with him, assuming he's agreeable, is really not a major issue. I'm not one of those prudish aunty types who will tell you that casual sex is to be frowned upon. In such an instance, your date has morphed into a potential hook-up, and it's only a question of whether you want to proceed all the way or you're just not in the mood. Either way, there are no major consequences (assuming you practice safe sex).

The dilemma arises when the chemistry between you and your date is so strong that both of you feel that the date should culminate in a night of passion.

Some people will say that there's no better way to cap a great date than to end it between the sheets. And indeed, there's nothing quite like instant gratification. However, my advice is to hold off on the sex on the first date.

[I am fully aware that there will be people who will disagree with me, and that's fine too. Advice is just advice, and its utility may be highly situational.]

I've never really bought the whole BS about how having sex on a first date can compromise your development as a couple, and how it may negatively affect commitment from the other guy as your relationship progresses. If the guy is a player or commitment-phobic, that will be a problem no matter whether you sleep with him on a first date or not.

No, the main reason why I advise against having sex on a first date is because it robs the two of you of much greater satisfaction later in the relationship when you do have sex for the first time.

Assuming the two of you enjoy such great chemistry that the first date has a serious shot at progressing to a far more significant relationship, it's a given that the sex will happen. It's only a matter of time. But the benefit of holding off on the first date is that when you do have sex with the guy, the two of you will know each other better, have a higher comfort level with each other, and are more likely to be good, giving and game to each other. Oh, and there will be a lot more cuddling before and after, which many people enjoy just as much as the sex. All that translates into much more satisfying sex the first time.

If you're not convinced, think about the very first time you had sex. Was it good? If you're like most people, the very first time you had sex was most likely NOT good. At least by the standards of what you consider good sex now. And by sex, I mean with someone else, both of you naked, doing the full ensemble of acts and positions. Quickie handjobs and blowjobs do not count.

Most memories of first experiences with sex are marked by self-consciousness, hesitancy conflicting with heavy desire, performance anxiety, and just plain old fumbling with the mechanics of sex.

We all become better at sex with practice, but unless you're the type that has, ahem, a lot of experience, it's not uncommon to have a few miscues or awkward moments when having sex with someone new for the first time. A smooth synchronized performance it usually is not. And even if you are very experienced, the other guy may not be.

So, given the possibility of awkward moments AND the fact that this guy that you feel so strongly attracted to but barely know could be THE ONE, why have sex on a first date when there's just so much more at stake and so much more pressure to have great sex? If the sex doesn't turn out so well, then what? The subpar experience could have been due to purely situational reasons, but one or the two of you might decide to throw in the towel and not proceed further, which might be a great pity.

Why not wait until you get to know each other a little better, then if the awkward self-conscious moments do arise during intimacy, the two of you can laugh over it and be good, giving and game to each other in bed because the two of you are already so comfortable together. The experience will have as much passion as first date sex thanks to the anticipation, but will be much sweeter due to the closer emotional bond.

Of course, I don't advise holding out on sex until the two of you have had many, many dates either. Assessing sexual compatibility is an important consideration too if the relationship is to progress. Having great sex the first time with someone new is really just a matter of the comfort level. It's just that it's highly unlikely that you can achieve an optimal comfort level on a first date.

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Register with us at http://7for7speeddating.blogspot.sg/p/register-with.html

7 Steps to Being Relationship Ready

It's hard enough being gay. But dating when you're a gay man is even harder. So, what are some things you can do on your end that make it easier for you to be in a healthy, committed relationship? Here are 7 steps to being relationship ready:


1. You need to be in a healthy relationship with yourself before starting one with someone else.

To be in a healthy relationship, you need to first be comfortable in your own skin. There should not be feelings of guilt or shame for being gay. Instead, there should be a quiet confidence in your own self-worth.

Self-knowledge is the most important kind of knowledge. And for most people, it is not an end state, but a continuing journey. We each of us grow and change with the passage of time, and it's important to love the you that is you.. As Carrie Bradshaw said in Sex and the City, "the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself."

Not everything in your life has to go swimmingly before you start dating seriously, but you should have some idea of how you want your life to unfold. You need not necessarily have any concrete plans per se, but you might want to evaluate your existing relationships with the people important in your life, or your career perhaps, or your values, your priorities, or any combination of the above.

Finally, it is important to retain your identity as an individual even when you are in a relationship. As the sex therapist Esther Perel speaks about in her TED talk, the modern committed relationship is a contradiction; we have to reconcile our fundamental need for security, comfort and permanence from our partners, against the opposite fundamental need for surprise, mystery and novelty. It is only when we retain our identities as individuals that we preserve that erotic space which is so important for sustaining long term committed relationships.


2. You don't necessarily have to come out, but it certainly helps...a lot.

We talked about this previously in another post. Read it here.


3. Step outside your comfort zone.

The confidence that you will gain from setting a challenging goal for yourself, surmounting obstacles and finally achieving what you set out to do will help immeasurably, both in dating and in all other aspects of your life where you must risk something to get something.

Dating and relationships are about putting yourself out there; they are as much about risk-taking as anything because you risk rejection, disappointment and heartbreak when you expose your heart.

Forcing yourself to step outside your comfort zone will challenge preconceptions you had about yourself, allow you to gain new self-knowledge, and bolster your self-confidence. This new-found self-confidence will sustain you when you encounter the inevitable rejections and disappointments that are part and parcel of dating and relationships.

Some examples of how you can step outside your comfort zone and challenge yourself:

1. Finish a marathon.
2. Take up an extreme sport.
3. Volunteer for a community organization.
4. Learn a new skill.
5. Start a personal project that requires dedication and commitment.

Do any or all of them. Or come up with your own. They are all eminently possible for an ordinary person to accomplish. I can attest to that. Creating 7for7 is the fifth one on that list for me.


4. Invest in yourself.

It is much easier to attract someone worthwhile to be in a relationship with if you yourself are attractive.

Attractiveness is not solely physical. If you don't have the looks, work on your body. If you have neither the looks or the body, rely on your charm, your personality, your wit. The good news is that each of these aspects of attractiveness can be improved.

In general, the male body only looks good when it is muscled. While some guys are blessed with better genetics, it is a biological fact that muscle is the most adaptable of tissues. It is both a curse and a blessing that for a man to look good, he needs to exercise. A curse because there are no gains without effort, a blessing because it is entirely democratic and equitable; everyone has to exercise and one gets rewarded based on exactly what one puts in.

This doesn't mean that every gay man should live at the gym. Neither does getting a good body necessarily entail going to the gym. It does mean eating sensibly, incorporating regular physical activity, such as sports, into your lifestyle, and having reasonable expectations, both of yourself and others.

As for the aspects of attractiveness that are not skin-deep, these can be cultivated as well. Read widely. Think. Develop ideas and opinions. Have a point of view. Learn new skills. Practice the art of good conversation. Be interesting, because that will hold the attention of potential mates long after your looks and body have faded.


5. Prioritize what you're looking for in a relationship.

Part of the process of dating is figuring out what's important to you in a relationship and what are things that are negotiable and just nice-to-haves. The physical aspects are important, but it's not helpful to have impossible standards, especially if you yourself can't meet those standards.

Avoid the checklist mentality. It's not about trying to avoid being picky. Being picky is good. Rather, be picky about the right things.


6. Don't wait for the right guy to appear in front of you. Create opportunities for yourself. Make things happen.

Too many single people, straight or gay, bemoan that there are no good guys/girls out there.

Waiting for something to happen when you "least expect it", relying on serendipity to deliver the guy of your dreams to you...these are not reality-based ideas. In short, simply hoping is not a viable strategy.

If you're going to find someone, you have to put yourself out there. Speed dating, online dating, asking friends for introductions, participating in activities and events, these are all ways to increase your chances of meeting someone worthwhile.


7. Be prepared to work at any relationship you get into.

Relationships are hard work. Don't expect that you and the guy you're dating are an item after just a handful of dates. The two of you will have to put in the hard work of getting to know each other beyond just the initial phase of attraction.

Even if the two of you have established a certain level of comfort with each other, it takes a long time for love and intimacy to develop beyond the initial flush of passion. And that takes commitment, solid communication, compromises, empathy and a shared sense of destiny.

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Register with us at http://7for7speeddating.blogspot.sg/p/register-with.html

Can a Guy be Closeted and Still Be in a Successful Relationship?

Short answer: Yes, but the likelihood of success is much lower.

Long answer:

Let's start by defining what it means to be out of the closet. There are varying degrees of being out of the closet. At the risk of oversimplification, the degrees of being out are, in increasing order of "outness":

1. Out to yourself;
2. Out to other gay people;
3. Out to straight friends and other people you take a risk being rejected by, but whom you can ultimately cut out of your life if need be;
4. Out to family, colleagues and other people you still have to interact with whether you face rejection or not;
5. Out to the general public.

Where you are at in the stages above matters. Very simply, the further you are along in being out, the more likely it is that you will be in a successful relationship.

Someone who is not even out to himself (stage 1), i.e. he is still in denial or unsure about his orientation; such a person is not in any shape or form ready for a relationship, straight OR gay. Clearly, someone in that situation has deep existential and identity issues that they need to work out before they can embark on a healthy relationship with someone else.

It's not possible to start a relationship without dating first, and dating requires a person to meet other gay people, so by definition, someone who is actively looking for a relationship would be at stage 2. Just about everyone who is reading this post right now would be at stage 2 at least. But there's a big difference between someone who is at stage 4 and someone who is only at stage 2 in terms of how relationship ready they are.

[Stage 5 is irrelevant for most people unless you are a public personality, e.g. the former politician Vincent Wijeysingha.]


"To love at all is to be vulnerable." - C.S. Lewis

The reason why being out matters to the health of your romantic relationships is because being in a relationship is about being emotionally available to your partner, and also being vulnerable to your partner on emotional terms. It is not possible to feel deeply for someone without exposing yourself to being hurt by that person.

It is possible to be in a relationship despite only being at stage 2 above, but the benefit of being further along in being out is that it lends a sense of greater authenticity to all of one's relationships, whether those relationships are with friends, family or colleagues. That greater authenticity in turn makes it easier to open oneself up to intimacy with a partner.

Gay people growing up in a environment hostile to their sexual orientation frequently develop preternatural instincts in shielding themselves from emotional contact with those they are unsure of acceptance from. That includes family and friends. Without being out to one's family for instance, a gay person, on some subconscious or conscious level, might fear that their family's love and concern for them is purely conditional on them being straight and "normal". That fear of being hurt creates emotional distance between the gay person and the people who are closest and most important to him.

If that emotional distance was to be confined to just being between a gay person and the people he was not out to, it would not be such a great problem. But the problem is that the emotional distance oftentimes carries over to all of a gay person's relationships, diminishing the quality of friendships, closeness to family, collegiality at work and yes, emotional intimacy with one's partner.

Someone who is only at stage 2 is more likely to be emotionally guarded and hence less available emotionally to their partner. That makes it harder for a relationship to progress. As Woody Allen once quipped, a relationship is like a shark, it has to constantly move forward or it dies.


Second Order Effects

A second reason why being out helps make a romantic relationship stronger is that it places considerably less stress on a relationship, particularly if between the two people in a relationship, one is further along in being out than the other.

Someone who is not out is constantly censoring his answers to questions like, "How was your weekend?", or finds it impossible to share a large part of his life with other people. He may feel compelled to play the pronoun game, or simply avoid any mention of his personal life at work.

He may also feel uncomfortable appearing too close in public with his partner, or live in fear of being seen with his partner by his family or friends he's not out to. All these "second order" effects can place a budding relationship under considerable stress when the partner who is more out may resent how the less out partner is forcing him into intolerable situations.


Being in a gay relationship is hard enough, what with the lack of positive role models and societal acceptance, and how men in general, gay or straight, are not socialized to negotiate intimacy and emotions from a young age. A closeted man can still be in a successful relationship, but it will certainly be much harder and require more understanding and communication between the two guys in the relationship.

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Register with us at http://7for7speeddating.blogspot.sg/p/register-with.html

Post-Event Publicity 16 April 2014

7for7 just held an event on 16 April and the event was a success! Thanks to all the participants who attended and Elvin who graciously offered us his bar to hold the event.

The event was held at Out Bar on a Wednesday night, so while Out's normal clientele were around, the venue was quiet enough to permit conversation between participants.

Here are the event statistics.

Half of the participants this time round found matches.

Interestingly enough, one pair of participants matched up even though they already knew each other and came to the event together! They both indicated they didn't want to date each other, but at the end of the event, they both put each other down as a match.

Turns out that 7for7 events are a great place to test if you can move from the "friend zone" to something perhaps a little more intimate, without exposing your interest unnecessarily.

On a scale of 0 to 4, the feedback score was 3.4, highly positive feedback.

Some participants commented on the dim lighting. However, the venue being a bar, I hope participants can understand that the lighting is bound to be softer. On the plus side, soft diffused lighting hides the flaws in everyone's skin tone!

As for the space issues some participants mentioned, we are somewhat constrained by the fact that the venue must remain open to business, since the event is relatively small-scale and we cannot possibly reserve the entire space. We hope participants understand these constraints.

As mentioned during the event, we'll hold our next event when there is sufficient interest forthcoming. Till then, enjoy your matches for those who have them, and we look forward to seeing you again in the future.

Details for the Event on 16 April 2014

By now, participants who have registered for the event and confirmed their registration through payment should have received the details for the event via email. Also, the pre-event form has been released.

Please check your email if you are participating in the event on 16 April. We look forward to seeing you there!

What to Expect at an Event

Most participants at a 7for7 event would not have attended any kind of speed dating event before. Here’s what to expect, and some do’s and don’ts:

1. It is not a good idea to arrive late.

There are three reasons why it is not a good idea to arrive late. The first reason is that latecomers force me, as the organizer, to call them on their phones to check if they are coming. No-shows require me to carry out some last minute reconfiguration of the seating arrangements, which can be messy. To avoid this, I need to know if a participant is unable to attend the event or is genuinely late. Of course, if you are late enough, we will start the event without you.

The second reason is that arriving late can be like stepping into a lecture theatre when everyone is already seated. It makes for an awkward entrance, especially if you are alone.

The third reason of course, is that it may result in a bad impression on other participants who care about punctuality.

2. Arriving early is OK if you don’t mind socializing with the other participants.

However, if you are the reserved sort and inclined to sit in a corner with your phone, it is probably better not to arrive too early. As the facilitator of the event, one of the things I try to do is to strike up a conversation with participants who arrive early to make them feel more comfortable. However, I can generally speak to only one or two people at a time, and when other participants start arriving, I will be too busy registering them.

3. Dress well (but not in anything formal) to create a good impression.

Office wear is about as formal as it gets. It’s what I wear myself when I hold an event since I come straight from work.

4. If you feel awkward, shy or just plain out-of-place at the start of the event, don’t worry. That feeling fades quickly.

The comfort level of participants at an event noticeably increases after perhaps 20 minutes (about three speed dates), even if they arrived alone without knowing anyone. The reason for this is simple. Each speed date generally starts with the same few questions. “What is your name?”, “what do you do?”, “what are your interests?”, “what kinds of activities do you enjoy?”.

By the third speed date, the rhythm of the conversation becomes very familiar, expected, even a bit unexciting, which is why we limit the number of speed dates to only seven. The good part of this however, is that participants no longer feel awkward once the ice is broken.

If you are hesitant about registering for our upcoming event because you are apprehensive about how uncomfortable it might feel, this is a good reason why you should attend, because from experience, we know that those uncomfortable feelings don’t last and that participants generally enjoy meeting new people at the event.

5. At the end of each speed date, end the conversation smoothly and thank your date.

Needless to say, this makes the experience more positive for everyone and leaves a favorable impression.

6. After the speed dating portion of the event, mingle!

For many participants, this is really the best part of the event. The awkwardness of meeting random strangers is gone, the slightly artificial feel of speed dating is over, and yet, you have a mix of guys you have already introduced yourself to and with whom you can continue to deepen the conversation.

At the previous event I organized, I could tell from the body language of two guys who continued talking to each other after their speed date was over that there was chemistry between the two of them. And indeed, at the end of the evening, there was in fact a match between the two of them.

Or if you’re still up to it, you can get to know the other guys whom you did not get to meet.

And you know what? In the unlikely event you still feel shy, the seating arrangements guarantee that you already know someone at the event who has spoken to the other guys you have not met. So, it is not difficult to draw someone you’re attracted to but did not get to meet into a 3 or 4-way conversation.

7. Mingling is an art. So, take the opportunity to practice.

Anyone who regularly networks at professional events such as seminars and conferences already knows these things, but if you don’t, here are a few tips.

Make eye contact with the person you wish to talk to. Take the initiative and walk over. Listen with interest to what they say. Be an active participant in the conversation. Avoid monosyllabic “yes-no” answers, and when you yourself ask questions, ask open-ended ones that invite a more verbose response.

For example, if you know someone who works in sales, don’t ask “Are you in a client-facing role?”, which invites merely a yes or no response. Instead, ask “What kinds of clients do you work with in your job?”, which encourages the person to explain in a more detailed response. Questions like these make a conversation flow more naturally.

And if you need to disengage from a conversation, perhaps because you want the chance to talk to everyone at the event, do so smoothly. For example, excuse yourself to go to the toilet, or to refresh your drink at the bar.

So, there you have it. 7 tips for what to expect and do at a 7for7 event. We look forward to seeing you on 16 April!

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Register for our upcoming event on 16 April here.